I have been waiting for this day for a long time. I have to admit I didn’t know how I would react to see you lying there so still, so cold, so lifeless. I want to feel as though I can finally breathe and see how well I will live my life without you attached to my identity. Most people would suspect that I would feel at ease, at peace, free at last. They would be horrified to know that I don’t really know how to live life without you. You’ve been grafted into my thinking, my behavior, and my identity for so long. How do I begin to walk away from you forever?
You’re so good at the games you play. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were playing possum right now. Yes. At any moment I half expect you to sit up in that coffin and choke the life out of me for even considering rejoicing over your departure.
But you are dead.
I can’t be harassed by something that’s dead. I can’t be defined by something’s that dead. I can’t be tempted and controlled by something that’s dead.
You lied to me.
You made me think I couldn’t live without you. I’ll admit I didn’t know how at first. You attached yourself to me when I was a child. You disguised yourself as Curiosity. You knew better than to divulge your real identity; had I have known your real name I would have never let you near me. You stole so many years, so much innocence away from me. You showed me all the things my naive heart wanted to know, plus some things my mind couldn’t even conceive. You made me grow up before I needed to. We had even gotten so close that we started to look identical. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw your face. I couldn’t even tell the difference. You told me you would never let me go and no one else would have any parts of me because you had me–all of me–first.
Then I met the Man who tried to convince me you were my enemy…that we weren’t the same. I kept reassuring Him that the face of Impurity in my reflection was my identity. It was all I ever was and all I was ever meant to be.
I will never forget the piercing look of ferocious love in His eyes. He explained to me that He could remove you from my life forever. I laughed in His face. If only that could be true. But that gentle look in His eyes and the soothing tone of His voice compelled me to believe Him. He took my hand and suddenly his love-filled eyes burned with rage. But He was no longer looking at me, but almost through me. Now that I’m standing here today at your funeral I realize that He was looking at you. May His righteous wrath destroy you forever.
You’re not a part of me. You have no power over me. Jesus told me who I am and, Impurity, it’s not you.
I have more to say, but I shan’t waste another moment speaking your name. I don’t regret losing you–I only regret that I didn’t put the bullet in you sooner.
You have just read a eulogy letter that I penned on March 27, 2013, to one of my carnal struggles. This was given as an assignment in my Christian community of ladies who are ready to put the devil in his place. Special thanks to my small group Bible study which led us to accept the challenge to put our old selves to death, just as Jesus has given us the power to do. Impurity, may you rest in pieces.
For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. (Romans 8:13 ESV)